Reflections on Advent

Today we undeck the halls.  Creches, candles and Santas will be boxed, the tree will feed the bonfire pile.  We’ll rearrange and redecorate.  The house will look ‘normal’ again, it will revert to pre-Thanksgiving decor.  Not very festive, granted, but proper and practical.  January is here, Christmas is over (yes, liturgically the Christmas season extends, I know that, but as far as our house goes, it is over), a new year we’ve entered. 

As I think back over Advent and the Lent in Advent commitments I made I wonder just what happened.  Here is what I committed to and vowed to keep you abreast of:

1. fast one day a week (no food, only drink)
2. pray contemplatively EVERY day for 30 minutes
3. see those around me and do or say two nice things, every day
4. at least once a week give time, goods or money so that others might sense God’s love for them

I started out with a struggle and plenty of failure.  It was humbling, indeed it was humbling.  Everything was work and even felt forced.  Such struggle brought me to my knees where I asked for God’s strength and power and perspective.  He showed up and, even through difficult days, I found myself desiring to help others, wanting to give time, goods or money…what a joy, what a blessing these times of reaching toward others were.  Prayer was more ‘on’ than ‘off’, most every day prayer was entered and what a blessed time it was.  I had some 20+ hour segments of fasting, but never a full 24 hours.  An abysmal failure there. 

As I reflect on the three + weeks of Advent, I see that after seeking God’s mercy to help me and sensing His working through me to the benefit of others, I was hit with the longest migraine I’ve ever had (a full week), our cat got sick and refused to use the litter box (use your imagination here, I’m not gonna elaborate), the truck’s transmission gave up the ghost, our aged dog became ill and died.  Could it be that a little personal forward spiritual movement was met by the enemy with an assault?  It sure seems like it could be.  Maybe dark warriors stood ready to snuff out any new glimmers of light…maybe those moments of chaos, confusion, pain, grief, illness and death were icy blasts from Hell designed to put out a newborn flame. 

Some may wonder: what didn’t get done?  No family Christmas picture or letter sent this year, only one batch of cookies exited the oven, shopping was limited due to our limited budget (much was purchased online), I didn’t decorate the basement and kept decorations upstairs in check (i.e. no festive centerpiece ever created or bought for our diningroom table), we didn’t attend every party/festive gathering.  I didn’t freak about a “to do” list this year…things did get done, but not everything and not perfectly.

In many ways it was a challenging Advent, but then again, in many ways it was a beautiful Advent.  I wonder if…no, I trust that He used all of it for His glory, that all of it was allowed for His purposes and that His will found a place to manifest in the midst of our home, in the midst of my heart. I cannot say without doubt, but it is possible and sure feels like I’m more in love with Him than I was before…

Warring Week of Advent

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Well, what a week.  Most of it was spent in a darkened bedroom with an ice pack on the nape of my neck and a prayer for mercy on my lips.  Advil and Excedrin were my constant companions, sleep a welcome visitor. 

Migraines come and land from time to time.  Their triggers, most of which I cannot control, have a way of collaborating and congregating at the same time and place to ensure my misery.  Do they have a will of their own?  I know it is impossible, yet I wonder…

How to stay true to my Lent in Advent commitment while ill…that has been my conundrum.  Sickness has a way of turning one inward, forcing self-centeredness.  Such a posture is only natural and fits the doctor’s orders, we all know…yet, is that the only posture?

With God leading, I decided to choose which commitments to stand by.  I opted to rally and rise for “not to miss” items and for times when I was most needed.  For instance: my niece’s very first band concert was this week.  I had a choice, get up and go or miss–either way my head hurt, but what was I going to do?  I considered whether I’d regret not seeing it/whether she’d regret me not being there…that made the choice easy: I went, no regrets…thank you very much!  Emily (our daughter) desperately needed help delivering boxes of fruit for a fundraiser–after holding my head for hours and cursing God, I rose and, in the snow and bitter cold, she and I loaded the truck and spent the evening making deliveries.  I have a few more tales of this kind, but I think you get my drift…I pondered the possibility of future regrets and the level of need in front of me and went from there.  Although pain still lingers and much remains undone, I am grateful God extended a measure of mercy so I could show up for others in ways that were life-giving for them.

Contemplative prayer was particularly difficult…that sort of prayer in the midst of searing brain pain is no small trick.  I failed miserably, but did try from time to time…  I haven’t ventured into fasting, the thought of fluctuating blood sugar levels seems much too risky right now (I still have a headache…not a killer one, but bad enough…). 

I don’t know if God smiles on my week…I cannot say.  I just know I tried to give Him and others first billing even as the migraine wanted to be dictator of my every move.  Maybe a battle or two was won this second week of Advent…hmmm…a warring week of Advent…could be…

Advent Commitment

[picapp align=”left” wrap=”false” link=”term=advent&iid=286116″ src=”0282/59605ed4-04fc-445d-9bf1-20c549dfc4c3.jpg?adImageId=8046023&imageId=286116″ width=”234″ height=”157″ /] Buster (our basset) woke me good early this morning.  No return to the pillow once up.  So, in the darkness of pre-dawn on this seventh day of Advent, I grabbed some java, settled into our sunroom’s loveseat and entered a quiet prayer time.  For 30 minutes I prayed.  With mind ajumble and flitting here and there I prayed.  It wasn’t beautiful, it wasn’t illuminating, it wasn’t impactful…yet I prayed.  Did it matter, did God see?  I can’t say, I only know I showed up and kept the commitment I made a week ago (Lent in Advent).

I’ve also committed to doing two nice things each day during Advent.  I flopped initially, but after asking God to take the reins, it has come much more naturally.  I’ve had more of a servant’s heart this past week than I usually do.  I’m discovering that God not only impresses on me things to do and say but is making it clear that sometimes the nicest thing to do is hold my tongue or withhold activity.  Not saying “I told you so” hit me hard one day…that was a tough one, but I did it.  Not baking this morning (which creates a racket in the kitchen) so Emily can slumber  peacefully before creating college audition tapes this afternoon feels right (p.s. I’ve got 6 – 8 hours of must do baking today).  Sometimes what we don’t do is just as important as what we do do (I know this is grade school stuff here, but those early ‘be nice to others’ lessons can easily be lost in adulthood or with those we’re closest to/those we take for granted).  I’m finding that keeping this commitment isn’t so much about doing the right thing or making someone else happy or even appeasing God as it is about loving well…lately, what I do (or don’t do) is often motivated by love and a desire to show that love.  Now if that isn’t God in action, I don’t know what is….I pray He continues to show up, for without Him I fear I’ll end up reverting to clenched teeth and making it happen in my own strength and doing so for all the wrong reasons (if I do it at all)…

What isn’t getting done?  Since this is Lent in Advent, what is being given up?  Well, I don’t have one Christmas decoration up yet…which is highly unusual for this time of year for us.  I’m not even sure we’ll get anything up this weekend either.  Baking is starting, only because the quick bread I make (which will be the primary gift we give this Christmas) has a starter batter that sits for ten days and on day ten, you bake.  Today is day ten.  Beyond that, not a cookie has been baked, no fudge been formed, no caramel corn created.   I haven’t gotten serious about a Christmas letter, not even sure which one of us will write it this year.  Shopping has only just started with three online gifts purchased.  We have yet to make a shopping list, though. 

So, needless to say, we’re way behind on Christmas in many ways, yet in many ways Christmas is happening now, at least in my heart it seems so….

God Help Me…

Well, I’m on my second day of this Lent in Advent commitment.  I must admit I’m not doing too well…this is very humbling…

One of the things I’ve committed to do is two nice things every day.  Yesterday we were home all day so the only ones I could do something nice for were my husband and daughter.  We were a busy bunch with household projects and I did the normal homemaker stuff (which should count, since I do it for them), but by the end of the day I realized I should go above and beyond the usual. So…I wrote a note and taped it to the bathroom mirror so both would see it…it said “You two are the greatest and I love you!”.  Ummm, yeah…lame.  I know it was only one thing, but I did it for two people, so I’m thinking that counts as two. :) 

Today had its moments too.  I began a day fast of ingesting only liquids.  I used to do this regularly (years ago), twas no big deal…not today!  I think I need to ease into this…I know this sounds pathetic, especially as I used to be able abstain for days, but there it is.  My stomach growled painfully quite often and at one point I became light headed.  I drank water (mostly) with  juice, chicken broth and coffee thrown in on the side…still I caved in with a bowl of rice at 5pm…very weak, very weak…One benefit of this fast: as my stomach screamed for mercy I thought of  and prayed for those who go to bed hungry. Ugh, how horrible to go hungry all the time…

I entered contemplative prayer both days:  yesterday was interrupted by incessant phone ringing by our daughter (I guess she needed us to pick up the phone…finally I ditched the prayer time and answered it), but I did come back and complete the time.  Today I kept the commitment too, although the time dragged on–I found myself checking the clock for the 30 minute mark. Oftentimes I felt the gray nothingness of sleep/unconsciousness tugging me…sleep is a different place in the mind than contemplative prayer–how to describe this, I don’t know, just know the difference between the two when I’m ‘there’.  I managed to stay awake, though.

I actually did do something nice today for someone else.  She was carrying a sleeping 5-6 year old boy in her arms while entering Target. I was amazed at how small she was compared to how big he was, yet she somehow managed to carry him, blankie and all. Instead of bustling ahead of her to grab a cart and go, I stepped back and let her go first and then helped her pull out a cart.  She was most grateful as she hoisted her completely unconscious child into the deep part of her shopping cart.  Whew! I actually have a bona fide nice thing that I’ve done this Advent season. 

Inner resistance to all of this is rearing its ugly head…I’m feeling like these are “shoulds”, even though I’ve chosen to do them.  I recently heard that we learn best by doing something instead of just knowing it in our head–that by actually doing it, it changes our brain, it changes us.  I’m praying that that is the case, for this commitment requires action and not just when I feel like it.  Seeing someone in need requires attention and an eye for the other.  Giving sacrificially demands some planning and discipline.  Fasting invites focusing on God and not on bodily discomfort.  Prayer in a chair for 30 minutes means setting aside time and space for solitude and silence, which often takes some doing in this fast paced, noisy world. 

I’m realizing how weak I am with all of this, how, in large part, unnatural it feels.  I’m realizing I cannot do it in my own power…I’ve started praying, asking Him to give the strength and wisdom needed to keep going and to give me direction as to whom to help and how to help…something I should have done earlier, but then again, I’m learning as I go…