Should or Desire this New Year’s Resolution?

So, did you do it? Did you make a New Year’s resolution?

Our final Christmas celebration brought us into New Year’s Eve, so I’m running behind, only beginning to ponder to resolve. Today’s Christmas bin packing is forcing a calendar check-in. No waving Santa or blinking lights to keep me in denial, 2012 is days into being. I need to accept and move on.

In years past I’ve resolved to get in shape, eat better, lose weight. I know, predictable and boring. Although there is nothing wrong with  these and a lot that is good, I just think, at my age, it is time to resolve something a bit more…well…substantial, something less about me and how I look and feel. Something less…vain.

Shoving the mirror aside, many things come to mind: clip coupons, get organized, write letters, be nicer. At my age, though, I should be more serious than this. I should resolve to do for others: shovel driveways, start Bible studies, visit nursing homes. For me, “should” is a tricky word, though. At its mere mention desire disappears, resentment builds. My eyes narrow, teeth clench and people flee. It ain’t pretty. People may get helped, but likely regret that I helped them. I do my duty and we all suffer…

If “should” kills desire, then maybe I’m better off avoiding this death-dealing collection of letters and stay with desire.

Desire. What do I desire?

Ahh, clarity. No gym membership, no coupon crown, no nursing home for me. I want relationship, deep, intimate relationship with my Jesus. The kind of relationship that kindles love for Him, for others. The kind that fosters faith and leaves me sleeping soundly in His arms each night. The kind makes me desire to shovel driveways, start Bible studies, visit nursing homes…

Okay, clear enough. But how to resolve?

Coming to mind is being with, being present, being attentive. Listen, speak, listen. Be grateful, be for, take delight. Look, see and don’t look away.

Prayer puts me there, sometimes. Lectio Divina, sometimes. Bible study, worship, singing, sometimes. Dancing, sometimes.

Okay. Got my resolution: to help promote intimacy with God I resolve, in 2012, to pray, read, reflect, worship, sing, dance and anything else He brings to mind.

Suddenly I’m smiling, really smiling.

Wait. What am I waiting for? January is well underway.

Jesus is here.

Time to turn out the lights, crawl in His arms and pray.

Moving Forward into January…

Back to work, back to school, back to normalcy. Holiday fun has ended. Christmas is a memory.  2011 tiptoed in and whispered “I’m here”.

The house is a mess and, like every year at this time, I’m wondering when to take down the Christmas decorations. The ceramic Santa looks weary, and the candles are down to the nub.

Tomorrow, our son’s girlfriend arrives from New Jersey (I’m excited to finally meet her!).  Do I leave them up for her? I doubt that she’ll care, yet I think I will leave them up. Since it is winter break for her and Charlie, Christmas decorations seem right.

My New Year’s resolution came late this year: only yesterday did I resolve to bring Pilates into my workouts.  Pilates is strength training–which is needed for a woman my age–without a gym or machines.  I like this, as it allows me to continue to workout at home to videos–very inexpensive and no one has to avert their eyes as I bend, stretch or sweat.  Everyone wins!

Five days ago I had LASIK surgery.  Although I had the surgery two years ago, my far-sighted vision worsened this fall, which required more laser work last week.  It went well, but, as the surgeon warned me, now I need cheaters (reading glasses) to compensate for the loss of near-sighted vision that often comes with the correction.  For me, ringing in the new year involved scurrying off to CVS, where I found a pair of blue/black plastic frames with a cloth case for $14.99. Yep, on New Year’s Eve I perched a sure sign of aging upon my nose: reading glasses…. The years pass, and my body changes: it is perfectly natural and as God intended.  So be it.  Besides, I like the way they look on my face and, when not in use, on top of my head. :)

Charlie, our son who is home from Boston University for another 2 weeks, awakens.  I just heard his door open.  He and I have the day together as Emily went back to St Olaf last night and Rich is at work.  Mother and son time: at one time it was perpetual, today it is fleeting. I’m sure Mary cherished alone time with her Son, especially after He left her side and engaged the world.  As I sign off, I think I hear her whisper, “Be with my Son, be with your son, the time is short, don’t miss it…”

Christmas Letter 2010

Charlie and Emily

Last night we finished writing, printing, stuffing and stamping the Hill family Christmas letter.  Mailed on Christmas Eve…oh well….

I post it here because I cherish you.

Merry Christmas, my friend, Merry Christmas!

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…the rising sun will come to us from heaven
to shine on those living in darkness
and in the shadow of death,
to guide our feet into the path of peace.
Luke 1:78b-79

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Christmas greetings,

As we think of you and wish you well, we share snippets of our year together…

Emily: 18 years old

• March: received the prestigious Music for All national music scholarship
• May: Prom, bedecked beautifully in silver and smiles, escorted by a real gentleman
• June: Orono graduate with high honors
• June-August: nanny for Rudy Boschwitz’s grandsons and hostess at Axel’s of Loretto
• September: off to St Olaf to study music education (a teacher she will be)
• December: sung in St Olaf’s Christmas Festival and, with a sigh of relief and swell grades, finished her first semester

Charlie: 20 years old

• June: made the Dean’s List with Distinction, again; came home for a week to applaud his sis as she stepped into adulthood
• June-August: lived at Boston University, took a physics class, worked on BU’s maintenance crew and trumpeted in their summer marching band
• August: marching band played at Fenway for the Aerosmith/J. Geils Band concert
• September: started his junior year as a physic major (trumpet performance no more)
• November: sang and danced in BU’s Thoroughly Modern Millie; celebrated one year of couple-ship with a very special someone, named Sophia (who visits us in January ’11)
• December-January, ’11: spreads smiles in Minnesota for a whole month!

Rich and Jodi: 45 years young
(no months noted here, for they’re less well timed…they’re freer floating…)

• Rich added value as an upstream marketing manager at American Medical Systems
• Fluffed the nest for the flight of their youngest (and her grad party)
• Prayed together, stayed together and entered intense marriage counseling
• Cuddled with Kleenex as Emily emptied her closet and moved away to college
• Financial collapse caused…considerable…pause
• HBK, a real estate company beget by Rich and two friends, bought its first property
• Freelance writing found a foothold in Jodi’s soul

We celebrate each other as we seek a place.  We celebrate life, as it must be a gift.  We celebrate you, the ones we love.  We celebrate God, the lover of our soul.  We celebrate Jesus, who chose life, death and Life, so we might choose Him…

Have a God-kissed Christmas and a Spirit-splashed New Year!
The Hills

Reflections on Advent

Today we undeck the halls.  Creches, candles and Santas will be boxed, the tree will feed the bonfire pile.  We’ll rearrange and redecorate.  The house will look ‘normal’ again, it will revert to pre-Thanksgiving decor.  Not very festive, granted, but proper and practical.  January is here, Christmas is over (yes, liturgically the Christmas season extends, I know that, but as far as our house goes, it is over), a new year we’ve entered. 

As I think back over Advent and the Lent in Advent commitments I made I wonder just what happened.  Here is what I committed to and vowed to keep you abreast of:

1. fast one day a week (no food, only drink)
2. pray contemplatively EVERY day for 30 minutes
3. see those around me and do or say two nice things, every day
4. at least once a week give time, goods or money so that others might sense God’s love for them

I started out with a struggle and plenty of failure.  It was humbling, indeed it was humbling.  Everything was work and even felt forced.  Such struggle brought me to my knees where I asked for God’s strength and power and perspective.  He showed up and, even through difficult days, I found myself desiring to help others, wanting to give time, goods or money…what a joy, what a blessing these times of reaching toward others were.  Prayer was more ‘on’ than ‘off’, most every day prayer was entered and what a blessed time it was.  I had some 20+ hour segments of fasting, but never a full 24 hours.  An abysmal failure there. 

As I reflect on the three + weeks of Advent, I see that after seeking God’s mercy to help me and sensing His working through me to the benefit of others, I was hit with the longest migraine I’ve ever had (a full week), our cat got sick and refused to use the litter box (use your imagination here, I’m not gonna elaborate), the truck’s transmission gave up the ghost, our aged dog became ill and died.  Could it be that a little personal forward spiritual movement was met by the enemy with an assault?  It sure seems like it could be.  Maybe dark warriors stood ready to snuff out any new glimmers of light…maybe those moments of chaos, confusion, pain, grief, illness and death were icy blasts from Hell designed to put out a newborn flame. 

Some may wonder: what didn’t get done?  No family Christmas picture or letter sent this year, only one batch of cookies exited the oven, shopping was limited due to our limited budget (much was purchased online), I didn’t decorate the basement and kept decorations upstairs in check (i.e. no festive centerpiece ever created or bought for our diningroom table), we didn’t attend every party/festive gathering.  I didn’t freak about a “to do” list this year…things did get done, but not everything and not perfectly.

In many ways it was a challenging Advent, but then again, in many ways it was a beautiful Advent.  I wonder if…no, I trust that He used all of it for His glory, that all of it was allowed for His purposes and that His will found a place to manifest in the midst of our home, in the midst of my heart. I cannot say without doubt, but it is possible and sure feels like I’m more in love with Him than I was before…

2009 and 2010…Looking Back, Looking Ahead

[picapp align=”left” wrap=”false” link=”term=clock+noon&iid=73920″ src=”0070/a8b0b2d3-7b89-446e-bb48-909e0691c117.jpg?adImageId=8730384&imageId=73920″ width=”234″ height=”150″ /]We’re perched on the edge of a new year.  2009 is waving goodbye, never will we see her again.  2010 stands at the threshold with an audible “Hello”. There is no stopping it, no slowing it even.  It will happen, very soon we’ll enter a fresh frame of time.

As I mull over the past twelve months, I see a year of endings and a year of beginnings.  Emily (our seventeen year old) began her first job.  Rich (my husband) was laid off.  Charlie (our oldest) completed his first year of college.  Rich, God and I dipped our toes in the stock market.  Emily became our church’s children’s choir director.  Rich and two friends started a real estate business.  Charlie made the Dean’s List.  I went on my first youth mission trip.  Emily was inducted into NHS and Tri-M.   Rich encountered six months of unemployment up close and friendly like.  Charlie found a bit of bloom on his trumpet and *gasp* even a few new friends.  Unaided I saw 20/20 for the first time in thirty-five years (Lasik surgery).  Emily started her senior year of high school.   Rich was hired by AMS.  Charlie began his sophomore year and first college work-study job.  I started volunteering at a Christian women’s shelter and teaching a Sunday school class.  Indeed, I’d be remiss if I did not note the hard stop yet peaceful ending we all met in the death of our dog, Buster, last week…

Naturally, I cannot name all the starts and stops…there would be too many and you’d quickly be bored.  Spiritually, I’d say we’ve all deepened a bit in our relationship with God.  Unemployment and need have a way of bringing people to their knees…we’re no exception.  Our Lord has been gracious and sustained us in ways surprising (a big ‘ole anonymous check in the mail) and in ways mundane (contract work here and there).  And, most recently, with Rich’s first full paycheck, received Christmas Eve.  The kindness and generosity of friends and family and the prayers of many were some of the ways God showed His care.  Someday we’ll know the scope of all that went into buoying us up financially and growing us spiritually.  I sense it was a mammoth effort that continues to reap fruit, both for our family and for all those who said a prayer and/or bestowed a gift of labor, goods or funds.  How beautiful, how humbling…Our gratitude can never reach far enough, of this I’m sure.

Looking into 2010 I glimpse many more endings and beginnings…seems life has seasons when change happens slowly, then there are times when we have all we can do to roll with the punches.  I won’t speculate here on what may be in 2010…too much is unclear.  I’ve thought about creating a New Year’s list: more prayer, lose weight, connect better with fam & friends, blog daily, clip coupons, limit time online, maybe even look for work.  But, in doing so, I quickly forget that my plans may not be His plans.  Too often, I think I steer my life or, at best, do for Him, when all He desires is that His Spirit does through me.  So…maybe my list should look more like this: stay surrendered, shun sin, keep listening, do as He says, look Up, let Him love through me…  It is a nebulous list–how to track progress, I don’t know–but maybe it isn’t as nebulous to One who is nebulous. And maybe if I’d shut up, let Him speak and then do as He says He’ll start working through me more and more….nebulous, yes, but who cares!  How cool is that!

Yes, I’m thinking that “store up treasures in heaven” verse (Matt 6:20) is my New Year’s goal…letting the indwelling King have reign and direct my heart and steps is a better option, for He knows what treasures He wants in my life, in the life of those I meet, and in His Kingdom.  I can’t say for sure, but fitting into a size 8 again, chasing a young healthy glow, or making everyone around me happy is probably not on the King’s short list. 

2009 is almost completely a memory…time never allows a revisit.  Such as it has been, such as it is, such as it will be.  How we “are” this moment is all we control.  How we enter the new year is our choice…I wonder if God has risen to the top of other New Year’s lists this year.  I hope so…”His Kindom come, His will be done on earth as it is in heaven” blows the minds of those through whom it comes and of those it impacts.  God gets to splash His glory around and, those with eyes to see, say “WOW!”  Choosing more Kingdom in 2010…sounds like a great resolution to me.